Finally, the dissertation is done...and yes, this is a long entry because it covers almost 6 years of my life

The last few months have been insane. Being that I have been in the doctoral program for almost 6 years, with tuition rates on the rise and our impending move, I really needed to get the dissertation done. I also really wanted to graduate with Katie and Steph, so I went into turbo mode with my dissertation. I took the entire summer off to write and I am soooo proud to say, I did it. Mom came out to help me with the final push in September- although the paper was done by 9/9, I had many, many revisions and she helped out with the girls, with the cleaning, cooking, etc, while I sat up at night working on the paper. However, I was able to turn in a finished copy to the entire committee the day she left. Since then, I have been working on revisions as they came in from the committee and worked on the presentation as well.
A copy of how thick my paper is

I was a basketcase over the presentation because no matter how much I read my paper, being that it is 211 pages, I couldn't possibly memorize everything. I even went so far as to make myself a flipchart cheatsheet. I practiced about 5 times and each time I did, I couldn't get below 40 mins (it needed to be 20-25). I got some great advice from Steph and Cory about which topics to gloss over and headed in.

Honestly, the morning was great- traffic was awesome- I got there in 35 mins, Bon Jovi was on the radio and I found sweet parking right away. I took it as an omen. I brought in my bags (I brought in food- if people are eating, they are happy, right?) and set up in the extremely small room. The room did freak me out because it was so small and I would literally be standing right next to my audience.

Katie was the first one to arrive (thankfully it was a supportive face :-) and she set up her iPad and her computer so that my parents and Steph could Skype in to watch my defense. I didn't expect this, but once I say my dad on skype, I kind of felt more comforted- like, "My daid is here, everything will be okay", but regardless, I did ask Katie to turn the computer to face the board and not me because I didn't want to be distracted. Katie also did a last minute quiz and asked me to rehearse answers to the questions I thought the committee was going to ask, so we rehearsed. Everyone else filed in and it was a cramped room. Two additional faculty members joined us (mind you, I had no knowledge of who they were, but the table was so crowded, they opted to sit away from table).

I started to give my presentation and oddly, I felt confident. My advisor, Donna, told me that she would notifiy me at 15 mins left and then at 5 mins, but I never saw the 5 min notice (not even sure she even notified me). I saw many heads nodding and never once, had to refer to my notes. I caught two errors on my presentation (the first one, no one seemed to notice, but the second one, I knew one committee member was going to "ding" me on), but otherwise there were a lot of "aha's" and head nodding. When it was time for comments, the committee said they had minor editing issues. Rhonda (SPED professor) asked me to add only 2 comments into the entire paper. Paul (middle level professor) gave me some comments that I had already put into the revisions, so I was able to answer him and the three other committee members either didn't talk or said things to support me at that point in time (one gave me revisions later). The questions asked where supposition questions, like , "What would you envision this at the high school level?" or "How would this look like if the PLCs were comprised differently?"-these were all opinion questions- nothing that reflected immediately on my paper, my study or my presentation. They asked many opinion questions and because they were opinions, I felt comfortable and confident in answering them. At one point, my outside committee member (Steve) asked something about where teachers find time and if they get "off time" to meet and while I thought this was an innocent question, Paul, professionally, went off on him about how teachers don't have "off time" and that it was a bad assumption that the public makes about teachers having so much "off time". Poor Steve had to apologize, which I didn't think was necessary, however, I think it prevented Steve from talking anymore.

We were asked to leave and as I walked out by myself I was in shock. Questions like, "Is it really done?" and "Did I answer everything right?" ran through my head. Katie came out after and gave me one of the best compliments I have heard in a long time and said, "I have never seen you more composed. I am so proud of you" and here I thought I was a basketcase. I knew I was wrenching my fingers through the entire presentation, but I guess the rest of me looked composed. We literally talked for 8-10 minutes and I saw a shadow through the door. I couldn't concentrate on what Katie was saying because I just thought, "OMG- they need me to come back in to ask me more questions", but when Donna came through the doors, she was holding a lei and I just felt like crying. She said, "Well, congrats, you passed Dr. Hoffman. That was the quickest deliberation I have been in, in a long time."

When it was time to come back in, they invited Katie back in (which usually isn't the case because that it when the candidate gets the critical feedback), but when they asked her to come, in, I knew everything was going to be good. I think that I had beaten myself up for so long (and this was a result of the many revisions), that I didn't know how to handle the praise. They talked about how great my presentation was and how impressed they were at how much I had learned. A few of them talked about how I was ready to be published and how I needed to present at conferences (what every other PhD is supposed to do to get noticed). Paul mentioned that I had come a long way from my sketchy prospectus (which caused him some doubt in my abilities) to a paper that he only had minor comments on. He actually said my writing was good. Helen (the research guru) said my writing was clear and concise and felt that I explain my design study well (of course she was also the one to suggest it). She had some formatting revisions for me, but no member asked me to do any additional research or major changes. One of the faculty members that was just an audience member hugged and actually kissed me goodbye and afterwards I found out from Donna that he wants me to write up a policy brief so he can submit it to the state on behalf of UH for policy change. Donna actually said, "we need to do this. This will add to your curriculum vitae." When I told her I didn't know how to do a policy brief, she said, "well I guess we still have some work to do then- you need to publish this." As we were leaving though, she said to me, "I know you are moving, but I hope you don't go back to the public school system." She mentioned that universities would wonder why I went backwards instead of moving forwards with my college level career. An interesting thought, but in a world that involves mortgage payments...I'm not so sure that works.

So now I am left with many questions about my future, but I am so glad the dissertation is something of the past. When I got home, Matt had flowers delivered that said, "Dr. Hoffman- I knew you could do it. Love you." Yes, I had that warm, fuzzy feeling inside for the rest of the day.