Sweet Caroline

I really needed this time to come to terms with Caroline's situation, however, the more I found out, the more it depressed me.  As soon as I got off the airplane, I headed to the hospital and I expected something different than what I saw.  I expected to see someone near death, but she just looked like she was sleeping. Her color was great and she was still radiant.  Her family was there and it brought back floods of memories.  I really believed she would hear my voice and get up and start cracking jokes again. I have shed more tears in the past week that I have in the entire year.  I know I don't speak to Caroline everyday, but I call weekly and never imagined she wouldn't be part of my life.  She always said she would move to Hawaii, California or wherever I ended up moving, but it never happened and now, it never will.

By the second day I saw her, she made remarkable improvement.  She was moving, her pupils weren't fixed and dilated and she was breathing over the ventilator.  Her family decided not to pursue taking her off life support and I really thought we were making progress.  However, by the weekend, she spiked a fever and once it subsided, didn't maintain those improvements, in fact, she worsed. 

I learned a bit too much during this visit too.  Too many stories came out that I wasn't ready to hear and made me realize I need to keep in touch with my friends more consistently, but at I was glad I got to spend some time with her.  I visited almost everyday, taking a day off for Mia's bday and a day to celebrate my Grandma's bday.  In all that time though, I only saw her husband once and only for about 1/2 hour.  I'm horrified by it and feel betrayed because I loved him and felt he was not the man I thought he was.  He promised to be with her during sickness and health and he was no where to be found.  Perhaps this is not he arena to be airing this, but she deserves better.  It has made me realize how lucky I am to have Matt.  I have also seen Caroline's mom in a whole new light.  When we were together, I was the mess and she was the rock.  It was heartbreaking to see a mom make a decision between life or death for her daughter and I just pray I am never in that situation.  It is amazing how strong mothers are though.  She kept praying and was utterly determined to make sure Brigid (Caroline's daughter) is well cared for in Caroline's absence.  I am in awe of these women who perservere in such dire situations.

As I write this, the family should be taking her off life support tomorrow. Caroline wanted her organs donated and I am happy that her organs will help other people live, but I would give anything right now to have her wake up.   I honestly thought my trip home would give me closure, but it hasn't.  There will be a big part missing from my life when she leaves us and I won't get to go to her funeral, (which is another reminder why I need to move closer to home). It has made me realize that I need pay close attention to my family's health, value my family and friends a bit more, make sure I have a living will and medical directive to spare my family those decisions and make sure I slow down to enjoy everything b/c you never know when it's your time. 

While we were in the hospital, I kept singing "Sweet Caroline" to her, but now I'm not sure I can hear that song anymore.